"Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas" movie quotes bring the Madea series of films back for a holiday edition, the seventh in the Madea franchise. Written, directed, produced by and starring Tyler Perry, "Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas" opened in theaters on December 13, 2013.
In "Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas," the vindictive and ornery grandmother Mabel Simmons, AKA Madea (Tyler Perry), struggles at her retail jobs, first as a mall Santa lacking a certain amount of Christmas cheer then as a cashier who has no customer service skills. After Eileen (Anna Maria Horsford) learns that her daughter Lacey (Tika Sumpter) cannot visit for Christmas, Eileen bribes Madea to travel with her to visit Lacey instead.
Upon reaching Lacey's town, Eileen and Madea are surprised to learn that Lacey is living in an urban area with a white fellow, Conner (Eric Lively). The culture shock continues when Conner's parents (Larry the Cable Guy and Kathy Najimy) come to visit as well. This creates quite the tense and exhausting experience for all, Madea especially.
If the first six Madea movies were enough for you, check out other movies in theaters for the holidays such as "Saving Mr. Banks," "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug," "Dallas Buyers Club," "Inside Llewyn Davis," "Out of the Furnace," "The Last Days on Mars," "12 Years a Slave," "Frozen," "Oldboy," "The Hunger Games: Catching Fire," "Delivery Man," "Ender's Game, "The Counselor," "Captain Phillips," "Gravity," "Don Jon," "Rush, and "Prisoners".
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Santa
Madea: "How you doing there? What can I get for you?"
Child: "Does Santa really work at the North Pole?"
Madea: "Uh no, he don't work. He lays on the couch and he drinks all day. He's trifling. I have to pay all the bills. He kinda like your mama, now bye. Next!"
Of all people who could be a great mall Santa, Madea proves that she is not one of them.
I'll Come Up There
Lacey: "Mom, I'm not going to be able to come home this year."
Eileen: "It's Christmas… I'll come up there. I'll ask your aunt Madea to come with me!"
…
Madea: "Your daughter is grown. Leave her alone."
Eileen: "I'll pay you."
Madea: "What time you want to leave?"
When Eileen learns that her daughter Lacey cannot come home for the holidays, she gets the idea to come to her instead. Eileen enlist Madea to go along on the trip, but Madea is only interested after money is offered.
Surprise!
Eileen: "Surprise!"
Madea: "Surprise!"
Eileen: "Who are you?"
Connor: "I'm Connor… Mama! Daddy!"
Buddy: "Well Miss Madea, looks like we're going to be spending Christmas dinner together this year."
Eileen is surprised to learn that her daughter Lacey is dating a white guy, Connor, and that Connor's very rural parents have come to visit for Christmas as well.
Two Rabbis and a Black Dude
Buddy: "Did you hear the one about the two rabbis and the black dude?"
Madea: "Did you hear the one about the stray bullet who killed the redneck for telling the story about the two rabbis and the black dude?"
Madea isn't interested in hearing the racial stereotypical jokes that Buddy is offering up. While a simple "no, thank you" would have sufficed, she takes her response to another level.
Virgin Mary
Madea: "Little baby Jesus was born to the virgin Mary… J Blige."
Though it's already well established that Madea does not work well with children, she is put in charge of a class of kids nonetheless. Her facts are nearly as bad as her attitude as she explains how Mary J. Blige was the virgin Mary.
Take Me Anywhere
Madea: "Take me anywhere. I've got to get the hell away from your mama. Just take me anywhere. I'd go to hell and back just to get away from her. She talk too damn much. Can I go with y'all?"
Lacey: "Okay, maybe you can keep an eye on my class while I go into the meeting."
Madea: "I'm sorry. Watch, watch your class? She wants me to watch her class. Children? Child, me and children don't get along. Now let me see, ankle-biting, disease-carrying little children of god or your mama, satanic, loud mouth, diarrhea woman from hell? I think I'll go with the children. Praise god."
Madea is fed up with dealing with Eileen and wants out of the house. Though the alternative is dealing with "ankle-biting, disease-carrying little children," Madea sees that as the best choice.
Somebody Is Screaming at Me
Eileen: "Okay, Madea, this is where you'll be working."
Madea: "Okay" [on phone] "I need y'all to go get me some scratch offs, just two or three of them."
Customer: "I need some help?!"
Madea: "Hold on because somebody is screaming at me. I'm getting ready to choke the hell out of her."
With the mall Santa gig not working out so well, Madea is tasked with helping customers in the store. Needless to say, she is not quite cut out for customer service.
Playing Old MacDonald
Eileen: "Lacey, you do not have a Christmas tree?"
Madea: "Just leave this child alone. She living her life. She happy out here in the farm playing Old MacDonald."
Eileen is a bit in shock over how her daughter Lacey is living her life in the sticks. Madea on the other hand is oddly welcoming of Lacey's life choices, though she does throw an "Old MacDonald" remark in there.